


Before Ostagar

by Viken2592



Category: Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Consensual Sex, F/M, Friendship/Love, POV First Person, Pre-Dragon Age: Origins, a bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 22:38:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11999385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viken2592/pseuds/Viken2592
Summary: Elisabeth Cousland, the youngest daughter of Teyrn Bryce Cousland, is trained as a warrior, but her father won't allow her to join the forces deployed for Ostagar. The Couslands are preparing for the harvest festivities when they are visited by the Howe's. Alongside them is a grey warden. Elisabeth and Nathaniel become sparring partners, and her feelings for the eldest son of Arl Howe quickly grows into affection.





	1. Sparring with the arl's son

I was surprised to see my father accompany our guests into the training grounds. I knew Arl Howe and his children were coming, but I had expected them to arrive in the evening. It was unusual for father to let me greet new guests without wearing my formal clothes, and very unusual to do so in the training grounds.

I placed my sword on my back and lifted the helmet off my head, removing a sweaty strand of hair from my chin. I made a sign to my mabari Arkie with my hand, who came to sit beside me.

Arl Rendon Howe was slightly younger than my father, but his features seemed more rugged. His small eyes had strands of dark shadows under them, and his mouth often strained as if in slight disgust. The arl’s cold manners and sometimes even cruel behaviour towards his farmers, servants and even his family, made him notorious in the teyrn. Were it not for his honour, winning the war against Orlais at king Mairic’s side in his youth, he would be highly unpopular among common folk and nobility alike. Instinctively, I had always kept my distance to the arl.

His youngest son, Thomas, was not yet a man, but it was clear he would grow up to be handsome. Now, his lanky, teenage body and beardless face were still slightly childish. At age sixteen, he was two years younger than me, and I knew Arl Howe had spoken to my parents suggesting for us to marry one day. Perhaps in another world, I would have honoured such a pairing, but as it were now, I intended to marry no man.

I noticed a slight unhealthy, pale complexion in Thomas’s face. He was probably still recovering from the fever that struck him and his mother not two years ago, I thought. The arl’s wife, Eliane, had not survived the outbreak of what had been named the black fever. 

Slightly in front of Thomas stood the arl’s oldest son, Nathaniel. At first, I didn’t recognize him. The last time I met the Howe’s, he was a sulky, dark-haired boy of fourteen. That was eight years ago, which meant that he was now into his second year as a man. He wore a simple, dark shirt and leather pants, bow and arrows hoisted to his back. His arms were folded, and he looked slightly beside him, apparently smiling at something his brother said.

Nathaniel had the same way of frowning like his father, giving him a near cruel expression. But when the sun hit his high cheekbones and accentuated his sculpted jaw and the corners of his mouth, I had to admit: he was handsome.

Contrary to his brother, Nathaniel had blue eyes, which contrasted handsomely from his black hair. He wore the popular feature of pulling it hair away from his face by a small braid near each ear, although a raven strand had escaped at his temple. He seemed not to care much about proper shaving. I noticed Nathaniel’s arms and legs were muscular, he was clearly trained, and as a rouge, like his father. I couldn’t help but to find Nathaniel looking more like a thug than a nobleman.

The arl also had a daughter, Delilah, who was two years older than me. She had newly married a nobleman from the Free Marches who was also supposed to be present for the festivities, but they were not with her father and brothers. Had Delilah and her husband not yet come, or simply not accompanied her family to the grounds?

Then I noticed there was another man with the group, a man I had not met before. A grey warden? I could tell by his templar-like dress that accompanied his armour, and lord-like posture. He was clearly a soldier. He had a handsome dark beard and calm, green eyes. Our family had always had a good relation to the grey wardens, as well as with the templars. But it was still an unusual sight to have them around for the festivities. Had his presence anything to do with the upcoming battle at Ostagar?

 

The estate was preparing for the harvest ball, a five-day celebration where the first night, by tradition, was hosted by my father for the common people of the teyrn, above all the olforars of the teyrn, land-owning peasant families and the estate servants. The following nights were however, exclusive for the nobility.

I used to enjoy the harvest ball as a child. All those people celebrating the bounty of the lands given by the maker, enjoying the dance and music in the great hall of the estate. The smell of sweet wine filled the large hall, lit up by varicolored lamps. I didn’t mind the occasional drunk peasant who had to be gently taken out by the guards, or the usual crash of one or two glasses from tipsy servant girls. Frankly, the nobility did not behave differently.

That was until one night during my fifteenth year, when an olforar from one of the southern parishes urged the musicians to stop, raised his tankard of ale to the ceiling, and proposed a toast for the ”fairest lady in all of Ferelden”. He turned his tankard and his gaze on me.

\- That bony-arsed maiden? a drunk dwarf muttered from further in the room, just before everyone had raised their glasses, - ye humans are crazy.

I noticed my brother's frown. My father did not acknowledge the olforar’s gesture with any kind of movement nor facial expression. My mother, fortunately, had already retired to her quarters.

After that incident, my father decided I would no longer attend the harvest ball, but had to leave directly after dinner. The olforar sent one of his most handsome horses to my father as a token of his apology, ”had he in any ways offended me”, but the gesture only made things worse. My father did let me keep the horse though, a kind, long-legged grey mare that I would sometimes refer to as my “lovely bony-arsed maiden”.

I didn’t mind being called fair. I knew as I grew older, my features more and more resembled my mothers, and there were songs composed to her beauty sung even in Orlais. I was slightly shorter than her though, and my hair had a deep tone of copper compared to her previously nut-brown hair, that was now grey. She had always loved my hair, and refused to let me have it cut. As long as I wore it in the neck, it didn't bother me while training in combat, like I had been today before my father and our guests approached me.

 

\- And here we have her, my father said, smiling as he and our guests approached me. I noticed his slightly tensed shoulders. Something was not right, but I could not decipher my father’s facial expression.

\- It is a pleasure to see you and your sons again, Arl Howe, I formally greeted the Howe's, and took a slight bow.

\- I see you have trained your daughter as a warrior, Bryce, Arl Howe said to my father with a slight sneer.

\- Yes, my father replied, I couldn’t convince her otherwise. She is as stubborn as her mother.

The Arl’s unpleasant smile widened at this comment.

\- And a well-trained warrior at that, for what I can see.

It was the grey warden who spoke. My heart swelled a bit of pride from this comment. Grey wardens were experts in the art of war, and any opinion of theirs on the topic of combat was highly regarded.

My father did the introductions.

\- Elisabeth, this is Ser Duncan of the grey wardens. He will be joining the festivities for a night before journeying to Denerim. Ser Duncan, I don’t think you’ve met my daughter, Lady Elisabeth.

\- A pleasure, said the warden, his dark face serious, but with a smiling glitter in his eyes.

This is where to problem lies, I thought to myself. My father is uncomfortable in the presence of the grey warden. But why?

 

It was understandable that father would be tense. He and Arl Howe were about to send their men to Ostagar, commanded by king Cailan to fight the darkspawn horde that had been sighted near the border to the Korcari Wilds. Father was too old to fight himself, but he was sending my brother Fergus as soon as the festivities were over. I had begged him to go myself, but he refused. We had argued several nights. I wanted to fight, I was ready. But my father was relentless; I would not go.

Suddenly, I realized Nathaniel had bent down to greet Arkie, whose tail wagged happily. I was surprised by the mabari’s cordial response, for he was normally prouder when meeting men he did not know, often acting protective of me.

\- He’s a fine dog, Nathaniel said. What’s his name? He had dark, but soft voice.

\- Arkie, I said, still a bit stupefied, It’s short for Archimonde.

\- Yes, my father said with a frown, the dog was brought here as a pup for Fergus, but it immediately imprinted itself on Elisabeth.

I remained silent. Everyone in Ferelden knew of the honour of having a mabari choosing you, called imprinting. Choosing of me in favour of my brother was a cause of slight embarrassment for all. I had immediately known the mabari belonged to me, however, and regarded Arkie as my best, perhaps only, friend.

Nathaniel rose, and gave me a look that I could only interpret as admiration.

\- Your sword, he said, and looked behind my shoulder, it’s unusual. My father answered in my place once again.

\- Yes, I’ve had it custom made for her. As you can see, she will never gain the required weight, nor height, to battle with the sword and shield, and she’s yet to develop her full strength. As she refused to train with daggers, I had this light two-hand sword made for her. She’s developed quite the battle style for herself, I tell you.

\- Would you fight me, my lady? Nathaniel said smilingly, I would love to see this battle technique of yours.

Excitement stirred in my body. Sparring with the arl’s son? I couldn’t help but to cast a glance at my father. What would he say? As I did, I noticed a satisfied smile on the face of the grey warden.

\- Let her show her skills, ser Duncan said, interrupting whatever my father was about to say, folding his arms as if to lean back and observe. My father resigned, and merely nodded.

\- I would love to fight you my lord! I said, trying to hold back my excitement. Do you have a sword of your own, or should we lend you one?

Arkie could sense my happiness, and barked.

Nathaniel laughed shortly. – I haven’t sparred with the two-hand sword for a while now, he said, I’ve spent most of my recent time training archery. I’ll take one of the estate’s swords.

\- There’s no one better with the bow and arrow! Thomas said smilingly, unable to hide his admiration of his older brother, you should see him!

This day was turning out to be quite wonderful.


	2. Not fast enough

Nathaniel took a normal two-hand sword, a heavier and longer object than my own, custom-made, sleek sword. He bowed, still smiling that smile I couldn’t tell if it was ironic or not, and positioned himself as ready. I was so glad to be sparring someone skilled, I didn’t even care about the stains of sweat and blood from small cuts on my white, buttoned shirt, nor about the dirt in my face.

Our spectators; the Howe family, my father, Ser Duncan and a couple of the guards that had been training themselves, stood watching us nearer the walls that surrounded the training grounds. I took my sword from its sheath on my back, concentrating on the familiar weight of its silver grip. Nathaniel was obviously waiting for me to make a move, so I obliged.

Father was right, I had refused to train with anything else than the two-handed sword. Yet, every trainer I had met had tried to convince me that my combat style suited that of the rouge, not the warrior. Warriors relied on strength and stamina, absorbing damage with their heavy armour and often ramming their enemies by brute force with the help of their body weight. I had heard of a fighting style in Tevinter, where warriors would use massive swords to slam and stun entire groups of enemies. I was slight, and although I had trained hard to have the stamina to fight, I would never be able to rely on body mass to exploit weaknesses in my enemies.

Instead, I relied on speed. My sleek sword helped me exploit the fact that I was extremely fast, and would often surprise my opponents with a quick attack. My attack speed would often let me surprise multiple opponents, and father’s guards were no longer very amused by acting as my training puppets.

I did manage to surprise Nathaniel at first, but he soon countered my attacks quite gracefully. He too, could rely on speed. At first, I was surprised. But then my body filled with determination. We danced the battle valse, the sounds of our swords clinking echoed in the grounds. I soon broke out in a sweat, but I trusted my stamina to hold out a lot longer. I realized Nathaniel fought intelligently, trying and succeeding in anticipating my moves and attack pattern. I needed to be smart too, as I clearly could not rely on speed entirely to win this fight.

We circled each other, him holding his sword in one hand, me in both.

He’s used to wielding two daggers, I thought. How could I exploit this?

I decided to let him attack me – I had until now been the one trying to take control. As he moved to grab the sword in his both hands, taking a step towards me, I saw my chance. I crouched, and sought to counter his attack by moving under his arms, exploiting out difference in height to find myself behind him and give him the final blow – a swing to his back that could kill him had I wanted it to hit.

Instead, to my great surprise, Nathaniel grabbed me with his free arm as I moved under him. I could hear some of the guard’s gasp.

My strategy had failed. His sword arm under my head, his arm holding my waist, I had lost.

He sunk his sword arm and let me go. I stumbled slightly as I got away. He threw the sword to the ground and wiped the sweat of his face. I looked at him, expecting to see a satisfied smirk on his face. But instead, I was met with the same expression of admiration as earlier.

Arkie came up to me and buffed his head against my hand as if to say “you did good even though you lost”. Always my smelly, drooling supporter.

\- Well, Bryce, Arl Howe said as the group of spectators came closer, your daughter is fast. But not fast enough it seems.

\- Indeed, my father answered, I believe this was a valuable lesson for Elisabeth.

I searched my emotions. I should feel humiliation, and perhaps I did at the moment Nathaniel let me go, but above all, I was excited.

Finally, an opponent that could beat me!

I had gotten too proud, it was true, I relied too much on the skills that worked against the guards. This was exactly the kind of opposition I needed to get better! I desired nothing but to improve my skill.

I wanted to ask Nathaniel to fight me again, no matter what father thought of it. I bowed towards the arl’s son to show my gratitude.

\- Thank you for sparring with me, my lord! perhaps you would like to meet me in the grounds again tomorrow. It would be my honour.

I didn’t dare to meet my father’s gaze, should he oppose.

\- You do fight well, my lady. Nathaniel said. And you are fast indeed. Like a foxling. He smiled now, perhaps at his term for me. -I would love to train with you again tomorrow, should your father allow it.

He bowed in respect, and I could feel my respect and gratitude for him grow. My father sighed.

\- Yes, of course, I can hardly stop you from training. The estate is yours these coming days. But he did not look happy.

Suddenly, the grey warden spoke.

\- The cunning and quick foxling, yes, that is fitting, he said, but did not smile. You are fast, my lady, but you rely too much on your speed. You need to train to get more muscle power behind your attacks, or you will be too easy caught.

I did feel humiliated now, and couldn’t help but to look down. I tried to chase my pride away. Ser Duncan was right. I knew I was good, but a warrior should never rely on one ability alone.

\- Right, I think we’ve seen enough, Arl Howe said, visibly bored, let us go discuss more important matters, before we make ourselves ready for dinner. He leads my father away from the grounds, the others following them suit towards the main hall after greeting me goodbye for now.


	3. A tale of horror

After dinner, my mother and I were excused from the peasant’s ball, and met up with the Howe’s in the main hall, except for the arl who was still at the ball with my father. Delilah was there with her husband. My mother greeted her with a warmth that made me suspect there was something I didn’t yet know.

\- Delilah my darling, you look wonderful. My mother embraced her, then turning to her husband who was standing beside her. And you too, Albert. Congratulations to you both!

Ah, I understood. Delilah was with child. She looked a bit pale, but thanked my mother warmly and turned to kiss my cheek.

\- Elisabeth, she spoke with her soft voice, you are becoming such a beautiful woman. I understood you’ve greeted my brothers already. She turned towards the man beside her.

\- This is Albert Vael, my husband.

I greeted them both. Albert was a rather small man, with ginger hair and moustache. I understood he was the cousin of a royal family in the Free Marches. He had kind eyes, and a likewise smile. I wondered if Delilah was happy with the spouse given her.

-Elisabeth, my mother said, why don’t you accompany our guests to the garden. They haven’t seen the new orangerie. It is such a lovely evening.

\- Certainly, mother, I replied, turning towards the Howe family.

\- I’m sorry but I must excuse myself, replied Delilah. I am feeling a bit faint. I’m sure you understand…

\- Of course, my dear, my mother assured her, when Thomas spoke:

\- I’m sorry lady Cousland, but I am not feeling quite well myself. He was blushing under his near grey complexion. Poor Thomas, I thought. I hoped he would regain his strength soon. It must surely be frustrating to still be weak from the disease that had struck their family.

\- Please, let me accompany you to your quarters… I started saying, but Albert interrupted me.

\- No, my lady, I will take these two to rest. Why don’t you and Nathaniel continue the evening? It is a lovely night after all, and the sun has not set. It is not yet late.

Did I blush? I would have been greatly impolite to not tend to our remaining guest, but just the two of us?

My mother seemed to consider the unusual situation for a moment, but decided that impoliteness was the greater error in the situation.

\- Yes, my dear, why don’t you show young lord Howe our garden and then come back to play some cards later?

\- Of course, mother, I replied, if you wish, my lord? I turned to Nathaniel, who had been silent until now. He merely nodded with that sly smile of his, bade his family good night, and parted by my side.

 

The flowers and plants of the orangerie bathed the soft evening light. The air scented sweet of the fruit trees. Occasional tweets from the long-feathered ruby birds echoed in the night, blending with the sound of the music from the distant ball room.

I had the question on my tounge. Was it rude to ask? Nathaniel strolled beside me. He wore a silken, deep blue jacket with a beautiful embroidered pattern. Although he looked more like a noble man than this morning, he seems less comfortable in his formal clothes than in his simple, cotton shirt. Curiosity rose in my chest, and I could not hold it in any longer:

\- Will you be joining your father’s forces at Ostagar, my lord?

Nathaniel stopped. He looked displeased, folding his arms on his chest.

\- No, he said.

My heart beat faster from the feeling of his disapproval of my question. But I was intrigued.

\- Do you not wish to fight the darkspawn?

Nathaniel looked at me, his eyebrows meeting in a frown. There was no trace of his usual, ironic smile.

\- My father is sending me away to the Free Marches before the festivities are over. It does not matter whether I wish to fight or not.

I turned towards him, looking up in his face.

\- Sending you away? But why?

\- It was my mother’s last wish before she died. I’m being sent to one of her cousins, a chevalier. Apparently, I will train to be more like a knight.

A short smile played in the corners of his mouth.

I wanted to tell him how I wished to go, to fight at Ostagar. I had no one to talk to about my frustration. But I couldn’t confide in a man I barely knew. Instead, I asked:

\- Have you ever encountered a darkspawn?

I took a heartbeat before Nathaniel answered. He looked down, as in pain.

\- I have. About a year ago.

Nathaniel paused, as if hesitating if he should go on. But then he continued:

\- My father sent me to investigate a rumour about darkspawn attacking a farm in the southern part of the arling. When me and my father’s men approached the farm, we found the farmer and his family. They had miraculously survived, much because their children were trained in fighting. I suspect his daughters were apostates, using magic to fight. As we started to evacuate the farmers, we were ambushed. First came the hurlocks, the darkspawn archers. They managed to kill three of my father’s men, and the farmer, before we fought them off. Then came an ogre. Do you know what an ogre is?

Nathaniel looked at me with almost fire in his eyes. I merely shook my head, breathless.

\- It is a vile, huge creature. They smell of rot and death, and their arms are wide as trees. I remember my blood freezing to ice in my veins. The farmer’s wife screamed so loud it could have shattered glass. The horses fled in panic. Then, the youngest daughter of the family lunged herself at the creature, screaming that it would not take her mother. I have never seen such courage, not before, nor after. It took all of us to take it down. It was the worst fight in my life. We lost almost all the men father had sent with me. The girl – she died. I nearly got my head smashed in. My father didn’t send me on any missions for investigating darkspawn activity after that.

My jaw dropped. I slowly closed it to not look stupid and searched his eyes for more.

\- So, Nathaniel finally said, I’m not sure I’m displeased I’m getting sent away. Andraste preserve all the men and women being sent to the wilds.


	4. Berries and heartbeats

\- Would you like some wild strawberries?

I turned around, surprised. There Nathaniel was, in his dark shirt and his bow and arrows on his back, eating red berries from his right hand. I had awaited him in the training grounds, wondering why he was not been there early like in the last day. I started my training, but found myself struggling to concentrate. I couldn’t help eyeing towards the courtyard now and then, hoping to see him and his brother enter the grounds.

\- You’ve found wild strawberries? I asked, slightly stupefied, removing a strand of hair caught by the wind from my face. Had he been out this morning before training, picking berries? Somehow, that seemed both peculiar and endearing to me.

\- Yes. I found them not far from the stream, to the west.

I thought of my childhood, making it a sport to find all the sites of berries growing near the estate. I hadn’t picked wild strawberries in years. They used to be my favourites, marking the height of summer come.

\- I used to love them, I said, smiling melancholically.

\- Go ahead, he said, holding forth his hand.

As I reached out my hand to take one of the blood red berries, he closed his fingers and caught mine in a playful gesture, releasing them quickly with a mischievous smile. I drew my hand back in surprise, catching his amused look. I didn’t know what surprised me most; his playfulness, or me being the subject of playfulness rather than the usual respectful distance most treated me with.

\- I only jest, he laughed, please go ahead.

He gently cupped my hand in his, pouring the handful of berries into it. The touch of his hand was warm against mine. The berries were sweet, perfect.

\- Now, he said. How about some bow-training today?

 

After our session, I walked happily towards the bath to clean off the sweat and dirt from my face and body. I could hardly still believe I had found someone to train me in combat, someone who would finally try his best, give me competition.

My steps were light from joy as I passed through the main hall. I decided to take the short cut through the kitchen area, although I knew it would anger Odile, our cook, but I was too carefree in the moment. Suddenly, I overheard talking.

\- … of course she spilled most of the berries on her new cotton apron…

It was not an angry reprimand, on the contrary, I could hear Naria smile as she spoke. Naria was a common servant that would sometimes help in the kitchen. She had worked for my parents for three years, and she had a daughter of five, Ada, who often played with my little nephew Oren. Some noble families reprimanded mother for giving Naria a job at the estate, as she had a mixed child. According to the rumours, the father was a dalish elf of one of the southern clans.

\- How happy the children were to get all those berries though! Think, that he would pick so many!

It was Odile! speaking kindly to Naria! Odile was known to instate the difference in rang between herself and the rest of the staff by giving them reprimands, and she could be especially harsh against the elven servants, including Naria.

I stood almost frozen. Of course, Nathaniel had given the bulk of the berries to Ada and Oren, and it made Naria happy! I could not remember ever seeing Naria smile, nor to ever have heard Odile speak to her in such a friendly tone. It was the strangest thing. Nathaniel had thought to give the children a gift, such a small but kind act. Had Naria ever been the subject of kindness since she arrived at the Cousland estate? I thought back on his hand cupped under mine. My heart swelled.

I looked down at Arkie. He had managed to steal a sausage again.

\- Maker’s breath Arkie, I swear one day Odile is going to kill you! I whispered, running away trying to suppress my laughter. The happy dog galloped after me, tail wagging furiously.


	5. The return of the warden

\- I’ve been meaning to thank you.

Nathaniel and I took a stroll together through the estate court yard and orangery after dinner. We had done so every night since the arrival of his family, and of course it made people talk. My mother smilingly commented on the young lord’s keen interest in our orangery, and I could sometimes hear some of the servant girls giggling something similar. My father and brother remained silent, however, for which I was grateful.

\- For what? Nathaniel smiled his calm grin, eyebrows almost meeting in that expression I had mistaken for cruel, until I had noticed the kindness in his eyes.

\- For training with me. For beating me, to be honest. I’m going to miss the competition.

My smile vanished at those words. They clawed in me. I knew I wasn’t honest about just how much I would miss him. This would be our last night together, and it saddened me more than I thought was possible.

\- There is no need to thank me. It’s been an honour to fight you. You have a rare skill, my lady. Don’t let anyone put your guard down. He looked at me from the side, the rays of the evening sun hitting the side of his face, making his high cheekbones appear as lighted from within. He spoke in figures, but I understood what he meant.

\- I don’t think you understand how I have longed to truly test my abilities against someone as skilled as you, I said, looking down in slight embarrassment over my confession. - I have trained practically alone for such a long time.

He must have understood how my speech was a token of my trust in him, for he did not answer, he simply listened. After I’ve stood silent for a moment, he finally said,

\- Just keep fighting, foxling.

My heart sang at the sound of his name for me, given for my speed with the sword, and as I guessed, my red hair. I looked at his face, searching for something I didn’t even know what myself. I couldn’t hold my words back.

\- You are so different from your father.

I nearly bit my lip. What I had just said required a kind of intimacy I couldn’t be sure we yet shared. There was an implicit critique against Arl Howe in my words that could be an insult to his son. Nathaniel gazed out towards the orangery, leaning his arms against the balcony rail.

\- My father can be a cruel man, he said calmly, I do not aspire to be like him.

I looked at him. What had it been like to grow up the eldest son of Arl Howe? Why did the Arl so rarely mention him?

\- And your mother, I asked slowly, what was she like?

Nathaniel looked down, and for the first time I saw him struggling to find words.

\- She was… I… I’d rather not speak of it. He grasped the rail with his hands.

I blushed. What a fool I was! I had no right…

\- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I looked down in embarrassment, hoping that he could forgive my clumsiness.

\- No, I’m sorry, he said, turning to me. His eyes softened as he must have seen my red cheeks. - The truth is, my father hated my mother, possibly even more than he hates me. It was not easy for her at Vigil’s Keep. But this is not something I wish to burden you with.

\- It’s no burden! I replied, shaking my head; - we’re friends, Nathaniel. I tried to smile, but something about what I said echoed falsely in my head. I was yet unable to admit any of the growing feelings for him, even to myself.

Nathaniel smiled that crooked smile I found so handsome.

\- You know, he said, during these few days, I’ve come to care for you, as if you were my other younger sister.

I felt the weight of disappointment fall through my chest like a heavy stone. A sister? I tried to look calm, lift my face and smile, but I could not hinder the blush spreading on my face.

\- We’d better return to the halls, I said, wanting to get away from there, to find a place where I could hide my ridiculous tears of shame threatening to water my eyes and expose my childish crush on him.

 

When we returned to the great hall, Nathaniel joined his family. I noticed a caravan had arrived at the court yard outside the main hall. I recognized the falcon crest of the grey wardens, and turned cold. They’ve returned, I thought. Soon they will leave for Ostagar.

I saw Ser Duncan calmly discussing with my father, who not as calmly lifted his arms in what seemed to be agitation. The warden’s dark eyes met mine, and in sudden realization, I knew he was discussing my joining with my father. I felt a pang of excitement. I wanted to be a warden! I wanted nothing more than join Ser Duncan and fight the darkspawn. I knew my father would not be able to protest the right of conscription.

My mother approached me, placing her pale hand on my arm.

\- My darling, she said softly, I think it is best for you to return to your room. You have seen that Ser Duncan has returned. This night will surely be long, and you will have a lot to think about tomorrow.

Her eyes were steadfast but watery, and I almost lost my breath at her expression. Not only was she about to risk losing her son at the coming battle, but I also realized that what I wanted to gain meant that she would also lose, in one way or another, her daughter.

I agreed to retire to my quarters. I would speak to father tomorrow. I signalled for Arkie to come with me. Right before I turned to take one of the halls, I caught Nathaniel’s eyes from the other side of the room. He had seen the argument between ser Duncan and my father, as well as the look the grey warden had given me.


	6. The night before the last day

\- Elisabeth!

Nathaniel approached me near the servant’s quarters. He must have known he would find me on my own. The serious expression on his face prevented me from adopting his informal way of using first names.

\- My lord? I said, turning to face him.

\- The grey warden, he said, ignoring my formal tone, -he is back.

\- Yes, I said, knowing there had to be more to his wish to speak to me than this observation, as we had both seen Ser Duncan arrive at the estate. - He will surely leave for Ostagar with my brother soon.

\- It is not the only reason why he has returned, is it?

I hesitated for a moment. I could pretend not to know. I could refuse to tell him. But I cared for him too much. Although we had known each other for a brief time, he was my friend, and I didn’t want to lie to him.

\- No, I said after a short pause, but I needn’t say more as Nathaniel continued:

\- He has come to recruit you, hasn’t he?

I lifted my face to look him in the eyes, half defiantly, half begging him to understand.

\- Yes. As you could see for your self, father refused, but ser Duncan invoked the right of conscription.

\- And so he will rob the Couslands of their only daughter, the only child to inherit the Teyrn should your brother not survive the battle? Nathaniel spoke harshly, not hiding how upset he was anymore. He lifted his arms, walked back and forth, his raven hair landing at his shoulders at each pace. Then he stopped, his body tensed.

\- And you’re going with him, willingly.

I felt my blood boil. Not him, I did not want to justify this to him!

\- Yes, I am going willingly! I could not help my voice being more raised than I would have wanted. - There is no way I can ever convince my father to take me to Ostagar! This is my only chance to escape these walls, this… prison! I launched my arm towards the estate. - You know what the people are saying! That we might be facing another blight. I will not let this chance go, I will fight!

\- Do you not understand, said he, frowning, that it is a death sentence?

\- Then I will die for a worthy cause, I said, looking down at the floor, my voice stable. I knew it was the truth. For years, I had wished for nothing else but to be a warrior.

His tensed muscles relaxed in what must have been resignation.

\- So you wish to die a hero’s death, he held arms at his sides now.

\- I do not wish to die. But if I will, I wish to die a soldier’s death. My voice may have seemed calm, but my insides were in turmoil. I felt close to tears.

\- I thought you would understand, you of all people!

\- You have not seen what these darkspawn can do! he cried, how they tear at the very flesh of people! That young girl I told you about, she was lifted in the air by the ogre and slammed to the ground, her bones crushed in a single blow! I cannot…

He stopped, his gaze fixed at me. It took him three fast paces to reach where I stood to embrace me. My surprise was so great I could only be still.

\- I lied to you, Elisabeth, he whispered after a moments silence, his mouth close to my ear, his warm breath against my neck. I said I cared for you as a sister, but what I feel for you is nothing what a man should feel for a sister.

He held my face in his hands, his steely eyes looked into mine. Then he closed them as he gently pressed his lips against mine. The blood rushed to my face, my heart pounded against my ribs. His smell filled my senses, the warmth of his body against mine. I could feel the stub of his unshaven chin.

I had to take a step to not to lose balance, and the movement made him lift his face from mine. His eyes searched for something, recognition, consent. My hands were still on his waist. I could not help but look at his lips, his closed, mine parted as my breath had gone heavier. Behind us, I could hear Arkie whimper.

Suddenly a voice echoed on the balcony.

\- Who’s there?

It was the guards, approaching from the western wing.

\- Someone’s coming! I whispered, both of us looking quickly at the side. Without thinking, I grabbed Nathaniel’s arms and pulled him towards an enclosed corner of the balcony.

\- Arkie, go! I whispered, and the intelligent mabari immediately set course for the main hall. From our corner, we could see the two guards heading towards the sound of the dog as he rushed through the open door at the opposite side of the court yard.

Looking back at Nathaniel, I couldn’t help but let out a suppressed giggle. My behaviour was absurd. I had no idea why I had wanted to hide from the guards.

Nathaniel only smiled shortly. I realized how close we were, my back pinned against the wall, our faces close. He placed his hand on my face again to caress my chin with his thumb.

My heart pounded once more. 

He gingerly touched my lower lip. My mouth opened slightly from the sensation.

He kissed me. It was a deep kiss, and as he moved to press his body against mine, my arms flung up around his neck on their own. I let out a small sound as the tip of his tounge met mine. A strange sensation of pulsating energy settled in the centre of my body. Nathaniel dragged his fingers down my spine, settling on the small of my back. He whispered my name between kisses, tracing his lips from my cheek down to my neck. His touch felt like tender bolts of electricity.

\- Nathaniel, I managed to whisper. He lifted his face to mine again - Come with me to my quarters.

He paused, searching in my face any trace of doubt.

\- Are you sure? he said, his eyes stern. Be sure, they said.

\- I am, I replied, nodding. I had never been so sure about anything.

He traced a strand of my hair against my forehead, putting it in place behind my ear, nodding, his calm eyes yielded the kind irony I loved. He took a step back.

I held his hand as we hurried towards the western wing of the estate to my room.

 

I forgot about being nervous as he gently undressed me. We had such precious, little time. I forgot about wondering what he would do, what I should do. Instead I just did. I helped him out of his clothes. I lost myself in his touch, the feeling of his body close to mine as we steered eachother towards my bed. I let go of every thought in my mind, perhaps knowing that it would be the last time I would be able to love and truly let go.

When he kissed my breasts, noises escaped from my throat that I didn't know i could make. He steered my hand to his erection, I felt its velvetly warm skin and smiled when it made a small movement of lust. Our mouths found eachother, and he moved me to lay on my back, placing himself over me. I trusted him so utterly, I felt no shame in our act. I felt only aching joy as he gently pressed inside me. I opened up to the movements of his body, copying them in mine. When he hooked his arm under my knee to lift my leg and deepen the angle, I burst out in a lithania of bliss,

_Maker, more, oh maker please -_

The night marked the end of my previous life and the start of another I couldn't even fathom what it would be like. As we fell asleep, his arms around me, I forgot to worry about tomorrow, and only savor what was tonight.

 

The next morning, I woke immediately remembering the night. The memory of it sent flashes of hot blood rushing through my body. I knew I would never forget the sensation of Nathaniel’s touch. His body, his smell, his taste. He was not there.

On my table laid a note.

”There is a Tevinter saying, that only the living knows victory. It has been an honour to know you, foxling. Fight well. Nathaniel”.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! As the attentive reader will notice, I have taken some liberties in changing the story as it is outplayed in Origins to fit my own imagination. I am aware that Delilah never married a nobleman from the marches, etc. I've also blended in some story from Dragon Age 2. My first language is not english, I apologize for any language errors made. 
> 
> This fan fic was inspired by [this fan art of Nathaniel Howe](http://merwild.tumblr.com/post/153442756937/etaeternum-maker-the-sexiest-grump-nathaniel), which belongs to another fan fic entirely:


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